i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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