There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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