Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
