I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
