When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
