I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
