Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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