Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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