I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
