that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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