fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
