I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
