so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
