i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
