you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
