the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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