New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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