I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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