dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
