At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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