i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
two words: eviction party
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
