So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
