I just saw a hot homeless man
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm having to shit out rocks
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