If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
