Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
