i think my tv is drunk
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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