how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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