I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
