do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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