Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
