Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Apparently you make a good broom.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
