just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
it's like heaven, but drunker
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
