i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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