Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
