i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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