You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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