The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
