Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
