Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
