my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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