WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
