I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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