I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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