Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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