your room smells of hookers.
And success
Is it because I queefed?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
