Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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