non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
