fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
