there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
