I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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